October 22, 1991

For as far back as I can remember I've always wanted a black sheep. I know it sounds funny to people who like cats, dogs, or parrots. I told myself one day, when I have enough money and a flat of my own, I will find the most beautiful black sheep in the world. Show it what it means to be pampered and loved.

I remember it all starting Summer of '88, it was a pub in Hackney. Sitting there drinking my pint of Guinness and this ginger girl from the table over winks at me. Didn't really make much of it at first. Few minutes later, she waves. If she was a 3 I wouldn't so much as spit in her direction, but she was at least a 6 - maybe a 7, but let's say a 6.. I was half way into my pint. Next time she looked my way I did what any gentleman would do. I smiled and waved. I thought nothing of it really, was too busy watching Leeds United have a cracking game and bag the championship.

Not too long after, I asked for the bill and sure enough the tosser brings me two. I thought 'bloody hell mate, maybe I should pay for every wanker in the pub eh?' Then he goes on to tell me that girl from before, the one that was making passes at me, said she knew me. Said I was paying, that he saw me wave back at her. So I threw my black cow-hide jacket down as collateral. That jacket was worth more than the pub and anyone could see that. Right after I ran out and who else do I see? Little Miss Margaret Thatcher across the road, all alone waiting for the night bus.

Two blue lights. One's from the late night bus, the other is the moon hanging over us. The dim lighting had notched her up to an 8. But I did finish my pint before I left so let's just keep it at 6 yea? Before I knew it. I was standing in front of her collecting tears.

"I have nothing" she whimpered.
"You seemed nice" she wept.

Normally my temper would get the better of me, but she was an 8, maybe even a 9. I might be pushing it but I was a tad pissed, one of those days where a swift one goes to your head. So I agreed to hold her purse while she got on the bus home to collect what she owed me and meet me back.

One hour turned into two, then three, she was gone, I thought to myself 'fuck me mate, she's not coming back, this is a purse from Primark, it cost her a couple quid at most'. I was tired and it was starting to rain so I thought, I might as well see what she's got in that purse. Matchsticks from every shit boozer in London.. Business cards from spiv's the world over. But there.. there in the depths of her purse I found a lovingly folded photograph. A photograph of the most magnificent creature the world has ever known. I possessed in my mortal hands, an image of a black sheep.

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